I have a bee in my bonnet (or had as this post started a while back). After my post about Trump and cheating in society, I had the mis-fortune of watching SE Cupp, a conservative pundit, blathering on about what she feels Melania should do (leave her husband), and also critiquing Hilary Clinton, dare I say shaming her, for staying with Bill. Holy self-rightious pious asshole!!!! She even had the nerve to intimate that if Hilary had left Bill, maybe she would have done better politically in the run for president. She equated staying with weakness.
Here we have a woman, with clearly no direct knowledge about the struggles of infidelity, shaming already humiliated women, victimizing them once again. It burns me!!!!!! Why is it okay for women to shame other women…whose husbands have committed the ultimate betrayal???? Society on the whole, views infidelity as morally wrong, we take a dim view, but somewhere deep in our collective psyche, many also think he or she must have done something, or didn’t do something…to cause their spouse to stray. Let’s just state a fact, cheating is not a response to an unhappy marriage, and no one deserves the lies, betrayal and damage it causes. We are judged on how we handle the betrayal. Did we freak out and make a spectacle? Did we silently get even? Did we fall into pieces? Give up our pride and self respect and beg? Or did we assess our lives and just decide maybe we will give it another go and see what happens because we knew there was nothing exciting over the rainbow…that the grass was not greener.No one knows a woman’s reason for staying or going. There are too many permeations for that decision, practical, emotional, a decision of timing….the list could go on and changes through the journey.
I do see the tide turning. In the past, woman lived with the cheating husband, unable to find any support. Living with whispers from family and friends, she bore the shame as if it was her own doing. Now, we have blogs, internet, therapists and champions that help us emote, heal, move forward. Cheating in victorian times and perhaps before, was the unspoken right of every so-minded husband. Women, forced financially and socially to stay home and turn a blind eye. I am grateful that I did not have to suffer the indignity of silence and compliance. I do not know how any woman could bear that. I guess, around the world, it is still happening. What burns me is the judgements from our sisters.
Before my DD, when discussing such issues or events, I was never a staunch “leave the jerk” supporter, but I know I said it to friends I cared about. There were also times I asked the question “do you think it’s possible to stay and fix things?” But my approach was still naive and uniformed. Now having gone through it myself, I have learned all the emotions and nuances to being betrayed. Unless you walk a mile in those shoes, you can never fully understand the devastation it causes, nor what it takes to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. My most happy moments are when I see friends who have been betrayed thriving and having a good life. Grateful to be there for them at the lowest, thrilled to witness the re-birth. I don’t always see my own growth. I see movement and changes yes, but I do still long for the me, before DD. I miss that innocence. I read my old posts from time to time, and see the event without as much pain..but they are hard to read even five years later. They say if you talk about something enough, it brings it back or gives it wings. That is why at some point, you have to stop talking about the hurts, and focus on the healing.
Good luck to you all my fellow betrayed. You are all in my heart.